KINDREDS SERIES: The MOTHER LODE of Postpartum Tips (from my tribe of mom friends!)
This is the mother lode (LOL!) of postpartum advice, brought to you and me by some of the kindest, most thoughtful mom-friends I know. These tips have come out of the squeeze of actually going through it, and the grace of understanding how tough it can be.
What an honor to have compiled their tried-and-true answers to the question, “How can I have a more positive postpartum?”
I know I’ll be coming back to this many times over. I consider this a treasure-trove of golden postpartum advice for when I or someone else I know might need it!
Emily is a mother of 2 (almost 3!), fellow words-lover, and friend IRL who also inspires me with the practical and encouraging content she posts on her blog. Here are her suggestions:
Talk to Lactation Consultants - Talk to more than one! (The consultant we saw on the second day was much more helpful than the first one!) We did a lot of preparing for breastfeeding in advance (books and classes), but nothing can compare to having someone watching, guiding, and making suggestions when you actually have a baby in your arms! (And I promise it won't feel as awkward as you think it might right now.) The tips, advice, and encouragement we got from our consultant were SO helpful and really set us up for success.
Learn as a team - I read a piece of parenting advice from Emily Henderson (of all people!) a few years before getting pregnant, and it has stuck with me all these years and proven to be so true! Basically, her encouragement was to empower your husband as a father instead of telling him what you should do as parents, even if you think you know more. She writes, “Try to figure things out together, with a lot of ‘what do you think we should do about…? Where should we keep the bottles? How often do you think we should bathe him? How long should we let him nap?’ I think when women come up with child care systems and then just tell their partners about them, it can lead to them feeling like it’s just not their thing and then of course you bear the burden of more child care." John is a good dad because he feels like he's a good dad. He feels confident and that he knows what he’s doing and therefore wants to do it even more. Most people don’t like to do what they aren’t good at! Keeping Emily’s wise words (and specifically using this vocabulary) in mind was and is so helpful for our functioning as a team, especially in those first few weeks.
You’ll know more tomorrow than you know today - And you know more today than you knew yesterday. We had a lovely two-hour chat with our friends just a few days before June was born, and they said something that really stuck with me. Like us, they didn’t have too much “baby experience” before the birth of their son, and they marveled to us how much more they knew at the end of the first week of his life – like, light years different. That was so encouraging for me to hear, and I found it to be true over and over. For example, from the beginning, it seemed like people were constantly commenting to me about how I probably could recognize June’s different types of cries and what they meant. Uh, nope. Definitely not at first. But then I could! We got to know June more every day, and along the way, we learned so many things about HER as a baby and how to help her – what it meant when she made a certain noise while eating when she wanted to be held upright versus cradled, how to best settle her down for a nap. Babies change constantly (they like to keep you on your toes!), but your knowledge base is constantly growing, too. You’ll know more tomorrow than you know today!
Keep expectations low - Perhaps because I’m admittedly not a baby person, I never had illusions about how wonderful the newborn phase would be. In fact, I expected it to be hard, frustrating, and exhausting, with little emotional feedback from our newest family member. I wasn’t depressed about this; I just figured it would be something we’d have to get through, and it would get better every day. And though there have been harder days, on the whole, June’s first few weeks were SO WONDERFUL! Because I had low expectations, every good thing felt like a revelation. Even the smallest victories and happy moments were a delight. If you can, really and truly keep your expectations LOW.
Make hospital at home - I debated whether to include this tip because it was really only important for a short while – but for that short while, it was REALLY important to me, so here it is! If you enjoyed your time at the hospital, like us, you may find yourself feeling lost upon arrival back home. Where were my nurses? Where was my bed that moved up and down? Were we supposed to walk upstairs every time we had to change June? She was supposed to wear clothes? I was supposed to wear clothes?? So, that first night back, we swept away what we had planned and made our home environment as “hospital-like” as possible. One thing that had been really helpful was having everything close at hand, so we set up a command station in our bedroom with spots for changing, feeding, storing her clothing, etc. We took off her jams and put her to bed in a double swaddle, as they had recommended at the hospital. I stopped trying to nurse around a bra and clothing and just put on a robe for feedings. And we jacked up the heat (even though it was painful for our frugal hearts!) because that’s what she had been used to in the hospital. And it worked! She actually slept for five hours straight that first night because we all slept through the alarm that was supposed to wake us up after three hours (oops). As we adjusted over the next few days and weeks we didn’t need all of these things, but they were helpful and comforting at first, and really smoothed the transition.
Jess N. is a dear friend from church. She’s a pastor, speaker, and mom of 3. She has such an approachable way of not taking herself too seriously, laughing a ton, and being very graceful and intentional in her life. She suggests:
Verbalize your needs - Postpartum life is messy, beautiful, and so fleeting all at the same time. The number one thing that I found so helpful was listening to my body. What did I need? Did I need sleep, water, a bath, some food, some alone time? After my firstborn I felt guilty for needing to go and be alone in my room, I felt like I couldn’t ask for help, and I silently suffered in pain from my tearing and didn’t want to admit that I was really struggling with the adjustment of parenthood. After having my girls and a lot more experience I knew I needed to “put on my own oxygen mask” before helping others. I needed to know what I needed and then give myself permission to do just that.
Stock up on healing products - This was so crucial to a positive pp experience also. With each subsequent pregnancy, the “after pains” get increasingly more painful. WishGarden Herbs AfterEase Tincture was LIFE CHANGING! It took away all the pain and cramping while breastfeeding and worked immediately. I made “padsicles” or you can buy them (FridaMom has a great pp care kit!). These helped tremendously with the swelling and pain in your vaginal area. And then nipple balm, works so well at keeping your nipples hydrated and prevents any chapping or cracking!
Have comfy clothes ready - It’s essential to feeling comfy and cozy as you travel from the bed, to the couch, and back to bed in those first few weeks!
Get out - even if it is just for a five minute walk makes a world of a difference in our mood and helps ground us back to a little bit of life before the newborn fog!
Take pics (of babe AND you!) - Like I said above, those first few weeks are so fleeting and there is nothing like them. You’ll want to remember every moment and you’ll treasure those photos of your little peanut curled up on your chest forever. Document it all! Take turns with your partner having alone time with your new baby, especially if there’s older siblings involved as it’s easy to plop down your sleeping newborn in a swing and tend to everyone else’s needs and forget to actually enjoy just snuggling with your new baby. There’s nothing like the smell of their little heads and I find those snuggles have helped me really bond and connect with my new baby.
Shoot for a routine - Every person is different but find what works for you, your baby, and your family! As soon as our baby’s bellybuttons fell off we started BATH-BOOB/BOTTLE-BED and every night they were bathed, swaddled, fed, and in bed by 7pm even as young as 2weeks old. This gave us back so much freedom to go on date nights, relax with one another after a long day, decompress, and have the space to just be. I enjoyed many long baths catching up on my fave shows or reading a book once the routine was established!
Jess Z. is a mom of 3, a creative spirit, and a designer/home stager by trade (she and her husband chip-and-jo’d our fixer upper!) She’s the person I call when I have a new, wild creative dream and want someone to understand/dream with/take me seriously, or when I feel like I need some gritty, real-life mom support. She suggests:
Lean on your friends - Particularly when the young kids start piling up, (I had 3 under 3 for five months), you feel tired, isolated, and like your life has ended times however many kids you have! Spend time with friends and forget about cleaning up before they come, or having something to offer them. They don't care about that anyway! They're your friends for you! They remind you of who you are and make you laugh. And if they're moms, they understand exactly where you are like no one else! The time I spend with my friends breathes new life into our whole family as it relieves some of the burden we (often unintentionally) heap onto our hubbies my unloading all our thoughts and feelings on them the minute they walk in the door. Let your friends into the struggle!
Eat and sleep enough - Moms sometimes skimp on eating legit meals and sleeping when it presents itself - don't be that mom! Eat enough calories to fuel an adult body that makes milk and keeps an entire other being human alive! Make decent choices without stressing over when you’ll get your pre-kid bod back. Nap when kids are napping — who cares if that's the only chance to make a dent in the housework...it'll be there tomorrow, next week, and on into eternity. Or if you must stay awake, read a book, call a friend, daydream. A well-rested, well-connected mom/wife is worth 10 times more than a clean house.
Say no to extra stuff - unless you're positive it's more life-giving than life-draining. There are still things I have to say no to because it will raise the family stress level beyond what my hubby is capable of. But we two have become one and I have to take into consideration what he can handle and how he's affected when I have a lot on my plate. Let having young children teach you how to live a slow, simple, and quiet life where you let go of achieving for identity and embrace hardly achieving anything but loving the ones in front of you.
Lisa is a mom of 2, fellow writer and creative, and author of the Something Pretty blog. I go to her for inspiration on how to beautifully integrate spiritual practices and rhythms into everyday life (and to talk about our shared love for pastries!) She suggests:
Let things slide - Name the things you are willing to let slide for a few months and own them! While I was still in the hospital after my daughter was born, I made a note on my phone called "Survival Mode" that listed those things for me: making the bed, blow-drying my hair, going to the grocery store, cooking on Tuesday nights (in favor of a weekly takeout night), and separating laundry into lights and darks. Knowing that not doing those things for a few months was an intentional choice, not an in-the-moment failure, made it so much easier to give myself a little extra grace.
Snuggle your baby! - Repeat after me: there is nothing more "productive" than snuggling your new baby. Yes, some things need to get done, some more urgently than others, but many things really can wait. In my hardest postpartum days, I often found myself making an idol out of productivity, and it is something I had to actively pray and fight against.
Acknowledge hubby - In this season of waking up in the morning and immediately scrambling to tend to your baby, don't forget to look your husband in the eye and say "good morning" (even if it happens hours after you actually get up). "Thank you," for anything and everything goes a long way too.
Daily must-haves - My four daily must-haves of the postpartum season are fresh air, clean skin (even if it's just my face), at least one adult conversation, and lots of water.
Kate is a mom of 2, a graphic designer, and a ray of warm, comforting sunshine to all! Our hubbies are great friends, and Kate was so willing to listen/cry with me during the very early stages of my last postpartum. She suggests:
Create a cozy zone - Oils, music or sound machine, a comfy/secure seating (area with snacks), and a nightlight - this “feeding zone” made the deep night hours more restful as I woke to feed.
Mid-night prayers - I sought after Bible-based prayers to pray over the baby while feeding in the night to keep my spirit engaged and feeling productive. While I didn’t find any master resource, I truly believe this could be an app or something of that nature to help guide a Momma‘s Spirit in intercession amidst the longer feeding times.
Nancy is a mom of 3 (almost 4!), a speaker, teacher, podcaster (we recently recorded an episode together!) and my bestie since our pre-teen years. She has seen me at my best and my worst, and is absolutely the person I go to when I need a laugh, a good cry, or a shot of productivity. She suggests:
Do a Meal Train - Ask a friend to create a MealTrain for you if you don’t have one. My friend Emily texted me before her last baby and said, “would you mind setting this up for me? I have all the email addresses and contact info ready.” Of COURSE it was my joy to do so! So when I got pregnant a few months later, I did the same and asked her to set it up for me. MealTrains are lifesavers those first few months, so don’t wait around if no one has made one for you - ask a close friend to do it for you!
Listen to uplifting music - Having a good worship playlist and set of headphones got me through so many middle of the night nursing sessions. I missed the Lord, I missed the long time I would spend reading scripture and journaling, and I felt so broken. I cried constantly after my first baby, (man the baby blues were strong with that one!) and those worship songs in the middle of the night held me together. I felt God speak directly to my heart as I just sobbed and nursed my sweet baby girl as the rest of the house slept. It was a balm for my soul and my emotional healing journey. (Highly recommend just using the playlist “Calming Christian” on Spotify if you don’t know where to start!)
Have a water bottle that you actually like! - Buy a nice one. When I think of postpartum days, I think of my crazy hunger (see MealTrain rec above) as well as my unquenchable thirst! Make drinking water fun - it’s the one thing that affected my milk supply most.
Rest - Sleep has never come easy to me in those postpartum weeks and months. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is great advice for someone who can fall asleep quickly, but for me? It was a source of frustration. I would try to sleep when the baby slept, but would end up crying in the bed because I never could. Sometimes our hormones are crazy and sleep doesn’t come as easily! My advice would be - rest. Do something restful. If that’s closing your eyes and listening to worship, or journaling, or going on a 15 minute walk while someone holds your baby - do that. Sleep will come, but trust your body to do what it needs to do.
Be okay turning down company - (Preaching to myself here.) I always, always want to welcome people in my home and show up joyful. But that’s not the honest version of me during postpartum on a lot of days. So asking for a porch drop off or turning down company is something I’m STILL learning to do, but it’s important. Now that I have 3 kids, I think I’ll consider ways they can “visit” without visiting me - like taking the other kids on a walk or to the park while I stay home.
Remember you are a brand new mama - You are every time you have a baby, because you’ve never been a mama to THAT baby, or that many babies. So I’m going to be a brand new mama to baby #4 this time around, and I need just as much help as I did the first time. In fact - I need more help. Remembering that is key!
Bethany is a new mom, so I was particularly excited to ask her about her postpartum experience thus far! Bethany is founder of The Root Collective (a company I love and work with!), loves and fosters doggos of all kinds, and inspires me with her work ethic and intentional buying choices (local, artisan, handmade, fair trade, et al!) She suggests:
Find your people - Having a community was absolutely critical to not just surviving, but thriving during the first few months. Whether it was being able to call and ask for help or just have a few minutes to vent about how hard it was.... my people were my life vest.
Find your groove - My husband and I were able to find a groove where he'd take the early morning shift with our son to let me get some sleep. My husband doesn't do well with being up during the night, but is an early riser. I'd be up with our son overnight and then once 6AM hit, my husband would take over so I could get a bit of uninterrupted sleep. I truly think this saved my sanity and gave my husband alone time to bond with Crosby.
Hold plans loosely - I went into motherhood with thoughts of what I thought I'd like to do with things like sleep, but held it all very loosely. You just don't know what your baby is going to be like, how your thoughts might change, etc. Being flexible really helped me not have guilt around changing my mind!
I can’t thank my mom friends enough for sharing their hard-earned wisdom on the delicate, beautiful, transformative, and difficult period of life right after having a baby. There is nothing like it.
I respect their words and know I will be back as I lead up to baby #2’s due date (t-minus 7 weeks and counting!)
With love, gratefulness for friends, and hope for the future!
Sam
P.S. - Read about my first postpartum experience here, and my personal top tips for a more positive pp experience here! More to come : )
